SAM...MORE THAN A CONQUEROR: The Do's and Don'ts of interacting with parents of children with special needs?

Sam. Conqueror. Overcomer.

"IN ALL THINGS WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS THROUGH HIM WHO LOVES US : Samuel was born on 15th May 2009, two months early and in respiratory distress. After an initial Apgar score of 1, he was taken to the NICU and placed on a ventilator, together with an undeterminable amount of tubes, IV’s and monitors which made it almost impossible to see the little Smurfie character lying within…slightly blue and only three apples high. Sam was diagnosed within 24 hours with Rubinstein-Taybi Syndrome, a scarce medical advantage as, due to the rare occurrence of the Syndrome and the limited medical literature on it, many individuals are only diagnosed well into adulthood and some never at all. The page-long list of medical/health issues related to the syndrome, while vital in providing a prognosis and compiling a care plan, took a backseat, however, as Sam’s struggle to breathe and swallow became the primary focus of our concerns and prayers, deepened only by the heartache of not being allowed to hold and comfort him for the first ten days of his already traumatic life. After seven weeks Sam was successfully weaned from the oxygen but was still dependent on a nasal gastric tube for feeding, with which he was eventually discharged. Once home, what should have been a precious time to recover from the stress of the NICU and enjoy a relaxed and cherished time together, instead became a seemingly-endless timeline of specialist appointments, therapies, illnesses and surgeries as that page-long list of medical complexities came into play, affecting every part of Sam…physically, neurologically, medically and emotionally. Yet, despite these challenges and an “ineducable” future being predicted when his prognosis was delivered, Sam showed a delightful potential and eagerness for learning. Unfortunately though, this learning potential seemed limited to his cognitive abilities as, physically, Sam’s development lagged significantly behind that of his RTS peers. A week before his 5th birthday a brain MRI confirmed that, in addition to the RTS, Sam also has Periventricular Leukomalacia and Static Leukoencephalopathy (included under the umbrella diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy), which would more than likely have occurred as a result of the oxygen deprivation experienced leading up to and/or during his birth. Thirteen years later and with a number of surgeries and medical procedures which appear to be in fierce competition for their own “page-long list” (which surgeries and their subsequent recoveries have left Sam to face his day-to-day life with a residue of unshakeable anxieties and phobias), the boy you meet face-to-face…with his cheeky sense of humour, unfathomable joy and fierce warrior spirit…make it almost impossible to believe that that disheartening brain MRI and poor medical prognosis are of the same kid. As we begin to navigate this journey with a newly aged differently-abled teenager, leaving behind the little smurf whose fears and discomforts could so easily be remedied with a cuddle on mom’s lap, the anxiety of more surgeries and medical challenges now compounded by the universal fear of every differently-abled child’s parent/s (who will take care of their child once their own time here is gone) threatens to become overwhelming. But then the excitement of a horseriding lesson, the sheer delight of spotting a balloon (especially a hot air balloon) or a super silly giggle caused by simply hearing someone sneeze provides a beautiful reminder of the profound joy and courage these children radiate, despite their overwhelming challenges, and it provides the perfect encouragement and inspiration for facing your own. #samtheconqueror

SAMUEL - COMPLETE IN GOD
Our world has crashed, been blown apart.
This can't be happening....why us? Why now?
Your fragile life shaken before it could barely start,
How do we get through this...please, Lord, tell us how?

Drowning in our sorrow, waiting for answers that just don't come.
Our baby "special needs"? It simply can't be true!
The heartache overwhelms us, we're left feeling cold and numb.
The diagnosis tells us little - these children are so few.

But then we finallyget to touch you, to see your precious face
And all the heartache and questions fade, replaced with love and pride.
It's obvious from the very start you're showered in God's grace,
And with His love and guidance, we'll take this challenge in stride.

When once we couldn't pronounce it, Rubinstein-Taybi's become our norm.
When once the future seemed dark, we now welcome the journey as having an RTS angel brings lessons in unexpected form.

Our world has crashed, been blown apart!
This IS happening....to us.....right now!
We've been blessed with a gift, so precious from the very start. How do we get through this? Here's how.....
By believing in a God, so merciful and great,
By trusting that He's right beside us as we journey through the narrow gate.
By believing His love for us is not determined by a human frame,
By trusting that we draw Him near by merely calling His name. This precious baby we asked God for,
Prayed he'd be perfect and complete.
And, as Samuel means "God hears", He's laid His answer at our feet.

(Nicky de Beer : 27/05/2010)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Do's and Don'ts of interacting with parents of children with special needs?

Over the years I've often read articles offering guidelines (?) on all the Do's and Don'ts one needs to keep in mind when interacting with parents of children who have special needs. In the beginning I would read through the points, thinking to myself that it was an article I may as well have written myself, it was THAT relative, softly rebutting folks who stare and then in turn, rebutting those who didn't look...who offer the "God only gives special kids to special parents" and so on and so on. But as time went on, I found myself vacaying on the fence for a while, seldom actually opening the links I found zooming passed on my timeline. Then, as the articles seemed to be posted more and more frequently, I worried that I might be missing something new so turned to reading through them again but now find myself becoming concerned that we, as parents who quite often fear becoming isolated from society due to our children's differences and challenges, are making ourselves almost unapproachable by constantly advocating these fairly uncompromising "rules" others need to adhere to when our paths happened to cross.

It goes without saying that certain things do remain an absolute no-no...judging another's walk when you know nothing of their journey is never okay and all the ad-hocs that go with that sentiment...disapproval or scorn in any shape or form is malicious to anyone, whether effected by disability or not. I think parents of children with special needs just have a supersonic radar that picks up more easily the possible "starers"and "scorners" so we are more aware of them. Within seconds of entering any social setting, be it 10 people or 100, I have identified our "critics" and found myself migrating to those who seem more less taken aback by the flapping , often screeching-in-protest little guy leading our flustered convoy.

The very first official day of Meg's high school career saw me heading to a very long queue at the school's financial office, this after waiting in the parking lot for

at least a half hour first. By the time we joined the back end of the line, Sam was on 99% FULLBLOWN MELTDOWN...with the only element stopping us from that extra 1% being the already-threatening vomit. Just to make it that little bit more exciting, no sooner had the wheels of his pushchair reached a stop when a gentleman carrying out some DIY chores started up on his drill, about 2 metres away! There were easily 10-15 ladies surrounding us and do you know how many stared on in obvious disapproval? Just one! And the rest? The rest of the women instantly jumped on board, two staff members asked others if we could be moved to the front of the queue and requested the contractor to quiet his drill until they advised him all was okay and the mom who had given us a place upfront tried to distract Sam, along with another two moms, while I made my payment. Imagine where I'd have been if all those involved had first had to mentally tick a checklist of what to do and not to do! I'd have been sweeping up loads of semi-digested bananas and yoghurt with wetwipes while they still pondered No. 2 on the list.

So many times I've heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" and it most certainly does, that afternoon was a wonderful reminder of just that ...so you need to make sure you're part of that village too by being approachable (how else will others learn?) and (and this is the hard one) by being forgiving. There are always going to be those ignorant few whose inconsiderate stares and uncalled for remarks will break you down...just a little. But there are so many more who make up for these imbeciles' poor behaviour! JUST KIDDING! #winkwink

Seriously, I'd be near devastated to find out that a fear of offending, instigated by all these Do's and Don'ts floating around, had preventated someone from offering a smile, striking up a conversation...becoming a part of our village.

Just for interest's sake, this was the most recent Dreaded Statements List wafting on the web :

1. Wow! You must be so busy?

2. I'm sorry.

3. You're lucky you have a normal kid too.

4. He'll catch up.

5. You should take care of yourself so you can take care of him.

6. We're only given what we can handle.

7. Have you tried...

8. Kids aren't really autistic, they just need discipline.

9. What's wrong with him?

Sure, No's 8 and most definitely 9 might elicit a somewhat sarcastic remark from myself (I've already thought of at least 5 fab comebacks for No. 9), but I've never had anyone say anything of the sort to us. Go figure!

Aaaaand in other Smurfy News...we've had a one-on-one session with the lady who runs the SNAP Academy, which has been a bit of a saving grace, and we're looking forward to another session this weekend. I'm still way out of my depth with the Autism thing and needed someone to guide me as to when to indulge Sam's sensory/anxiety issues and when to stand firm. Having a clear protocol to follow sure does provide a bit of confidence when it comes to going out with Sam. And we've also introduced some chores into Sam's life like washing dishes, picking up toys, etc. (all with the necessary support of course).

While we were on a roll trying new things, I thought it a good time to introduce Sam to a sippy cup. I couldn't have been more horribly wrong!!! You cannot imagine the amount of vomit this seemingly-unremarkable item caused in our home...simply by its presence on the kitchen counter.